The Art of Saying 'No'

I can't say no to people easily. In fact, when I try to say no to something that I don't want to do, it makes me feel so guilty, like I'm doing something horrible to someone else. It's a simple word right? Just two letters. So why is it so hard to say?

I always used to think that saying yes to people who ask for help was just a way of being kind or nice and was also a sure shot way to gain love and acceptance from people. And this led me to keep encouraging destructive and hurtful behaviour that would, more often than not, leave me feeling drained and discouraged by another person's reaction to whatever I had done for them. And no matter how uncomfortable, how unhappy or how disrespected it made me feel, I would shove that feeling aside and continue to say yes to things and people who obviously were not really concerned with my wellbeing.

It took me a long time to actually confront myself and tell myself that I was wrong. I don't like being wrong. Especially about the choices that I make in life or the people who I invite into my life. But when I took stock of the people that I was trying so hard to please, I realised that a lot of my friendships were one-sided. They never really wanted to know how I was doing or what was going on in my life. And it wasn't their fault, because I was the one who had turned myself into their emotional dumping ground and since I seemed to be okay with whatever they were throwing at me, they continued on this way. So I decided to stop. I decided that no matter how hard it would be, I would start saying NO if something made me unhappy or uncomfortable or made me feel disrespected by another person.

*image from Tyler Knott Gregson - http://tylerknott.com/

And slowly, but surely, many of my so-called friends started disappearing from my life. Earlier on, I thought that people leaving would make me feel empty and disappointed with my life. But when it actually happened, I felt relieved because now I knew that the people who stayed actually wanted to be there not for what I could given them, but because they genuinely cared about me as a person. Of course, this was and is one of the hardest things I have ever done in life. It nearly gave me a permanent migraine in the process and I'm still getting used to saying the word 'No'.

There are a few things that I have come to realise in the process though:

1) You are not treating yourself with the love and respect that you deserve when you do things for other people by violating your own boundaries.

2) Taking on someone else's dissatisfaction and making it your own problem is the most unhealthy thing that you can do to yourself.

3) When you hurt yourself or when you go above and beyond your comfort level to help someone else, you are not being fair to yourself.

4) When you say 'yes' to something but you actually want to say 'no', you are disrespecting yourself and telling other people that it's ok to treat you with disrespect as well.

5) When you say 'no' you will feel guilty, but you will also end up with a feeling of freedom and peace because you are finally in control of your own life.

What I learned was that, I can try to please everyone in the world and do everything I can to make them happy, but if at the end of the day I feel more drained and I feel more unhappy and feel that I am being taken for granted, then I am making the wrong investments in life.

You have just the one life to live so why waste it in pursuit of people who will only remember you when they need something from you? Start saying 'no' to people and situations that make you unhappy and you'll see how fast the list dwindles down to those who truly care for your wellbeing.

*image from Google

#mindfulliving #sayingno #Motivation #Friends